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When You Lose Somebody.

When I think about all the terrible things that can happen during someones lifetime, I may be being bias but I think losing a baby is up there with the worst of them. I feel I can say this quite confidently because unfortunately, losing a baby wasn’t the first heartbreaking thing to happen to me.

So here I am, setting the scene to tell you how this ‘shit storm’ of a story all began…

As a young child I was pretty lucky because I didn’t really lose anyone close. Our family Labrador was put to sleep when I was around four or five, but I was too young to remember much about that and then one day I found our goldfish floating in the tank but we just went out and bought another without a second thought.

I think the only form of grief I’d experienced growing up was when I was in my early teens and I lost my first Grandparent. This was the first time someone I loved was no longer around anymore.

Of course, wouldn’t it be absolutely wonderful if the people we cared for could live forever? But it’s inevitable that one day they will leave us. I think the best possible scenario is that people grow to a ripe old age and pass away when they feel ready. So if you cannot live forever, that feels like the next best thing.

I count myself very lucky that everyone I knew went to work in the morning and came home in the evening. I’ve known people who never had the chance to say goodbye and I cannot even begin to imagine what that feels like.

But one day, I went from being this person who experienced very little sadness, to my whole world being turned completely upside down. It’s safe to say that in the past four years I’ve been exposed to the darkest side of life.

Picture this, you are 24 years old and you’ve moved out. You get a phone call from your parents asking you to go round. You walk into their house, sit down on the couch and your Dad looks at you and tells you he is going to die.

World. Crashing. Down.

I could never share the story of my daughter Ivy and the pain of losing a baby, without first telling you the story about losing my Dad. Mainly because the two situations were so similar, but at the same time, so far apart.

So the next chapter, I dedicate to him.

Katt x

The First Entry.

I’ve always been someone that loves to write, but I’ve never really had much to write about. I’ll start a diary in January and because my life was pretty mundane, I’d give up by March. I mean who wants to read about getting up and going to work or what I had on for tea on Friday night anyway?

However, what I’ve found more recently is that due to events that have taken place in my life over the past few years, I now have all these chapters rattling around in my head that I need to let out. I often find myself lying awake at night trying to make sense of my own story, overanalysing parts and wondering how I ended up where I am?

I thought about writing a book but I have no idea what I’d achieve by doing that. And what would you even title it? Welcome to the life of a 28 (now 29) year old who has been through some really shitty stuff? It doesn’t exactly sound like a Sunday Times Best Seller or something that anyone would rush to the bookstore to purchase.

But when I was going through some of this complete and utter shite, I found myself spending hours and hours on Google just trying to find someone else who’d been through the same, someone I could talk to about it all. Unfortunately I didn’t find anyone open enough to help me and whoever I did find didn’t want to share any detail and was worried about what others would think. Whilst that’s completely understandable, I’m more open than that and I’m not ashamed of anything.

So instead of a potentially failed novel I created this blog, which is in essence a diary containing chapters of ‘stuff’ thrown together in the attempt to share my journey with the world. I won’t lie, it’s a really crappy diary about losing a parent, losing a child and being given shitty news over and over again – but with the hope that my story will have some kind of happy ending eventually…

And am I bothered if anyone actually reads it? No absolutely not. If nothing else, I get to leave my story in a very small corner of the internet which someone could stumble across one day. However, if this blog eventually helps just one person feel slightly less alone in the world, then it has achieved something.

My posts will be extremely open and I won’t hide anything from you just because it’s awkward or upsetting. Everyone has the right to their own opinion but if you get all judgemental,, I won’t take you on. If something is pretty rough I’ll add a trigger warning at the beginning of the entry so you can decide whether or not you want to read it.

And if I don’t write about something enough or you have any questions, use the contact page or find me on Instagram.

So here we go…

Katt x